Yesterday was the day that we picked up Tanner from the airport. Newly returned missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We were of course excited. I had spent hours previous making a crafty little banner that said "welcome home". We stood there with all the other families who couldn't wait to greet their long lost family members. Our stomach's impatiently received Starbucks (hot chocolate of course) while we stared at the top of the escalators hoping to catch a glimpse. We watched hundreds of people who were not Tanner come down those escalators...until finally there he was. Returned with honor!
I don't think we know exactly just how much our lives will change...or exactly just how weird Tanner will be. I don't think we realize just how much slacking our family has been doing, but now that Tan Man is back, we for sure won't be doing much of that anymore. Since he's been home, we have already read the scriptures twice, and said four prayers...as a family. That's kinda a big deal.
This morning (although the night previous, i had explicitly explained that i wouldn't be getting up at seven a.m. to have scripture study. I informed them that i would be sleeping.) Tanner snatched me from my bed like a kidnapper, gently placed me on my green, fancy D.I. chair, and kindly covered me in a blanket...all so i would be apart of "way too early family scripture study". Now its 8:00 and i still can't get back to sleep. Unfortunately i don't know if I'm angry or not. I mean, really, its Tanner.
Mom is just the most entertained woman on the planet right now. She has someone else to occupy her time. FINALLY. The scale is balanced now. She just stares at him, with a little smile on her face, then drifts her gaze to every other child and smothers us in her love. I think my mom is a little bit of a ridiculous person...she is dramatic, overly passionate, too sensitive and emotional, and she's CHEESY. And for some reason, we love her anyway. We are a little giddy band of misfits, as Stephen would say. (he's glad to have an increase in testosterone around here) Madi, on the other hand, is enjoying all the homework help Tanner loves to provide. Tanner makes up for my slack in the family...lets just be honest here. But it works for us i suppose.
Tanner doesn't seem that different....he's hidden the RM warning signs pretty well. He's always been this spiritual, i feel like he is just a polished version of himself...and he is nicer, and a little more patient. but still slightly awkward, and gloriously handsome, Tanner. We're glad to have him back:) i think...
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Im A Girl With Issues
You know those days when you just get overwhelmed with a million different emotions all at once? ...And its about everything. Every little thing. The slightest glance at a certain name in your contacts, bringing back old memories. Thoughts of the future. My chaotic love life. Songs.....making me feel things i don't wanna feel. Too many emotions! WHERE'S THE OFF SWITCH?? Is what i keep thinking.
Today is a bit lonely for me, idk why. I just feel like i haven't had a good time in long while where i could just let loose and laugh and not have to keep up an appearance. I hate keeping up appearances. I hate talking when i don't want to talk. Im tired of people thinking they know me when they don't.
The reason i hate emotions is because emotions have to be dealt with, thought through, and figured out. It isn't a pure process for me. Usually there is an action attached at the end. The emotions that have to do with people are the most painful ones. I don't like to think about those. I don't take rejection well. Classic damaged childhood syndrome. ughhh. I hate feeling like a pathetic bag of damaged goods all the time. And i hate the countless pep talks i have to give myself. Im running out of things to say. They are just words anyway.
Whenever i feel this way, i have to give myself emotional surgery. I have to reconstruct the way i look at things and adjust my life and my processes. I try to trick myself into thinking positively. Sometimes it doesn't work...not gunna lie. Sometimes the most simple and stupid thing patches me right up. Ridiculousness.
Humans are a weak species.
Today is a bit lonely for me, idk why. I just feel like i haven't had a good time in long while where i could just let loose and laugh and not have to keep up an appearance. I hate keeping up appearances. I hate talking when i don't want to talk. Im tired of people thinking they know me when they don't.
The reason i hate emotions is because emotions have to be dealt with, thought through, and figured out. It isn't a pure process for me. Usually there is an action attached at the end. The emotions that have to do with people are the most painful ones. I don't like to think about those. I don't take rejection well. Classic damaged childhood syndrome. ughhh. I hate feeling like a pathetic bag of damaged goods all the time. And i hate the countless pep talks i have to give myself. Im running out of things to say. They are just words anyway.
Whenever i feel this way, i have to give myself emotional surgery. I have to reconstruct the way i look at things and adjust my life and my processes. I try to trick myself into thinking positively. Sometimes it doesn't work...not gunna lie. Sometimes the most simple and stupid thing patches me right up. Ridiculousness.
Humans are a weak species.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
A Side of Cranky
I went to bed around 4 a.m. last night....only to be woken up earlier than expected by my mother. She was already multitasking the day, before it had started. She was asking me all sorts of questions about my "plans" (HA what a loose term, especially in my world) for the day. Me, mostly asleep and now irritated, answer "NO NO NO NO NO!! Mom!" and then i whimper like a newborn baby and smother my head in my pillow. Then my mother and my step dad continue for the rest of the morning to shout at each other....oh excuse me, i mean talk....but a million times louder than normal people do. Sleep just isn't in the cards for me today.
Later this morning, i watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower. As strange as it might sound, it really put me at peace with myself. At first i wasn't sure if i liked it or not...but it really spoke to me. There are so many sad people in this world with a sad history--including myself. But there is hope. We all live for that one moment when we know we aren't a sad story. We will realize how far we've come, and how bright the future is. And hopefully one day we won't have to write imaginary letters in our brains to that imaginary friend that listens...we will be too busy participating. Wow, im really inspired right now. No matter how dark your past is...there is always a future, and its a happy one.
My mom came in my room again, probably to annoy me again, but i quickly grabbed hold of the reigns and we started talking about our feelings. If any of you know us, this is a rare occasion. Mostly because i have a hard time sharing my emotions....just like my dumb father. GREAT. My mom told me that im exactly like him. Its hard for her to handle especially when you mix the divorce crap in there. I always thought that i was just a breed of my own, but now i realize im a mold of my dad. But for complicated reasons im kept from having a great relationship with him like i used to...its a wonderful sticky situation is it not? My mother and i, covered pretty much everything from A-Z. Including boys--which NEVER happens, that was a miracle conversation right there.
Daniel has SUPERB taste in music. I just love it. He sent me the song "Cannibal Queen" last night. I about died. Pretty sure its my new favorite song. He's like a superhero when it comes to music. He knows it too:)
I just decided that today is a great day! Regardless of how it started out. I feel so good!! That movie really got me pumped for life. Strange how that worked out. Im feeling the love today. For myself, for others. Its amazing!
Thats all i have for you...
K bye.
McKenzie
Later this morning, i watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower. As strange as it might sound, it really put me at peace with myself. At first i wasn't sure if i liked it or not...but it really spoke to me. There are so many sad people in this world with a sad history--including myself. But there is hope. We all live for that one moment when we know we aren't a sad story. We will realize how far we've come, and how bright the future is. And hopefully one day we won't have to write imaginary letters in our brains to that imaginary friend that listens...we will be too busy participating. Wow, im really inspired right now. No matter how dark your past is...there is always a future, and its a happy one.
My mom came in my room again, probably to annoy me again, but i quickly grabbed hold of the reigns and we started talking about our feelings. If any of you know us, this is a rare occasion. Mostly because i have a hard time sharing my emotions....just like my dumb father. GREAT. My mom told me that im exactly like him. Its hard for her to handle especially when you mix the divorce crap in there. I always thought that i was just a breed of my own, but now i realize im a mold of my dad. But for complicated reasons im kept from having a great relationship with him like i used to...its a wonderful sticky situation is it not? My mother and i, covered pretty much everything from A-Z. Including boys--which NEVER happens, that was a miracle conversation right there.
Daniel has SUPERB taste in music. I just love it. He sent me the song "Cannibal Queen" last night. I about died. Pretty sure its my new favorite song. He's like a superhero when it comes to music. He knows it too:)
I just decided that today is a great day! Regardless of how it started out. I feel so good!! That movie really got me pumped for life. Strange how that worked out. Im feeling the love today. For myself, for others. Its amazing!
Thats all i have for you...
K bye.
McKenzie
Monday, December 10, 2012
My Kind of Morning
I woke up earlier than normal today. Eight a.m. came as quite a shock. When your body has regularly accustomed itself to it's no-earlier-than-eleven-rule....you would be shocked too. I slept in my clothes again. I didn't even bother to change into my PJ's. I fell back into old habits....by this i mean, staying up late watching my favorite TV shows. Last night, it just so happened to be Elementary. Another Sherlock Holmes rip off that i SO enjoy. And that was followed by a strange calculative dream, which i no longer remember...so don't ask.
Its strange waking up at my Mom's house, especially in my younger sister's old bedroom. Its an office now. Milazzo, (the boy in the basement, AKA: an RM, AKA: my mother's way of replacing my brother until he gets back from his mission in February....) shoved a bed in the corner so i have a bed while i stay here. My mom put my old full-sized sheets on the twin mattress and tucked the excess underneath. These sheets lasted a week before i nearly strangled myself in them and kicked them onto the floor. I now sleep on a bare mattress. Its fine, i just try not to think about germs and whatnot and how old the mattress is....or how many people have slept on it.
I spend most of my days waiting on people to need things from me, and the other part of it getting anxiety whenever someone DOES need something from me. An endless cycle of "calm down" -- "freak out". Thank goodness there is humor in this world, or im pretty sure i would be mentally insane (or just worse off than i already am...).
If it wasn't for my barely functioning (and vibrating) Honda Civic, I wouldn't be able to spend half of my mundane social life in Provo where most of my friends are. My social life is actually very minuscule compared to my "sit-at-home-alone-life". Im not complaining, im just showing the contrast of schedules. Mine is wide open until February, while the majority of my friends are enjoying finals week (including my mother) --i don't envy them. At times i feel like the mother of the household, except i have nothing to do all day. My mom is living my full-time college student life. Isn't that depressing? Try not to be depressed. Try.
My flamboyant step-father, bounces around running the storage unit facility that we call home. He internets his life away, makes himself strange asian foods, microwaves some hot chocolate for me for breakfast, and does the dishes. I have yet to learn of additional, memorable habits. He is a creature of habit. And to any of you who know him....creature is the right word.
Is it silly/sad if the things i look forward to every day... are selecting an outfit to wear and applying my makeup like Promise Phan does on Youtube?
I am not ashamed to admit that my life is in slothful shambles. Im slowly figuring out how to be a human being and use my body for actual movement and activities. My brain is much more active...or this could be interpreted as "mad". Ill take it. But, i like to think of myself as "too creative for action" It drives people crazy. Including myself. I guess i shouldn't lead you to believe i am completely hopeless and eccentric (i am not eccentric....). I am quite normal....ish. I laugh a healthy amount--at myself and others. I receive motivation through inspiration, amusement or bribery. Thats about it.
What a wonderful life:)
This post is dedicated to Karlee. Since she wanted me to start writing again.
Until next time,
McKenzie
Its strange waking up at my Mom's house, especially in my younger sister's old bedroom. Its an office now. Milazzo, (the boy in the basement, AKA: an RM, AKA: my mother's way of replacing my brother until he gets back from his mission in February....) shoved a bed in the corner so i have a bed while i stay here. My mom put my old full-sized sheets on the twin mattress and tucked the excess underneath. These sheets lasted a week before i nearly strangled myself in them and kicked them onto the floor. I now sleep on a bare mattress. Its fine, i just try not to think about germs and whatnot and how old the mattress is....or how many people have slept on it.
I spend most of my days waiting on people to need things from me, and the other part of it getting anxiety whenever someone DOES need something from me. An endless cycle of "calm down" -- "freak out". Thank goodness there is humor in this world, or im pretty sure i would be mentally insane (or just worse off than i already am...).
If it wasn't for my barely functioning (and vibrating) Honda Civic, I wouldn't be able to spend half of my mundane social life in Provo where most of my friends are. My social life is actually very minuscule compared to my "sit-at-home-alone-life". Im not complaining, im just showing the contrast of schedules. Mine is wide open until February, while the majority of my friends are enjoying finals week (including my mother) --i don't envy them. At times i feel like the mother of the household, except i have nothing to do all day. My mom is living my full-time college student life. Isn't that depressing? Try not to be depressed. Try.
My flamboyant step-father, bounces around running the storage unit facility that we call home. He internets his life away, makes himself strange asian foods, microwaves some hot chocolate for me for breakfast, and does the dishes. I have yet to learn of additional, memorable habits. He is a creature of habit. And to any of you who know him....creature is the right word.
Is it silly/sad if the things i look forward to every day... are selecting an outfit to wear and applying my makeup like Promise Phan does on Youtube?
I am not ashamed to admit that my life is in slothful shambles. Im slowly figuring out how to be a human being and use my body for actual movement and activities. My brain is much more active...or this could be interpreted as "mad". Ill take it. But, i like to think of myself as "too creative for action" It drives people crazy. Including myself. I guess i shouldn't lead you to believe i am completely hopeless and eccentric (i am not eccentric....). I am quite normal....ish. I laugh a healthy amount--at myself and others. I receive motivation through inspiration, amusement or bribery. Thats about it.
What a wonderful life:)
This post is dedicated to Karlee. Since she wanted me to start writing again.
Until next time,
McKenzie
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