A Side of Cranky

I went to bed around 4 a.m. last night....only to be woken up earlier than expected by my mother. She was already multitasking the day, before it had started. She was asking me all sorts of questions about my "plans" (HA what a loose term, especially in my world) for the day. Me, mostly asleep and now irritated, answer "NO NO NO NO NO!! Mom!" and then i whimper like a newborn baby and smother my head in my pillow. Then my mother and my step dad continue for the rest of the morning to shout at each other....oh excuse me, i mean talk....but a million times louder than normal people do. Sleep just isn't in the cards for me today.

Later this morning, i watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower. As strange as it might sound, it really put me at peace with myself. At first i wasn't sure if i liked it or not...but it really spoke to me. There are so many sad people in this world with a sad history--including myself. But there is hope. We all live for that one moment when we know we aren't a sad story. We will realize how far we've come, and how bright the future is. And hopefully one day we won't have to write imaginary letters in our brains to that imaginary friend that listens...we will be too busy participating. Wow, im really inspired right now. No matter how dark your past is...there is always a future, and its a happy one.

My mom came in my room again, probably to annoy me again, but i quickly grabbed hold of the reigns and we started talking about our feelings. If any of you know us, this is a rare occasion. Mostly because i have a hard time sharing my emotions....just like my dumb father. GREAT. My mom told me that im exactly like him. Its hard for her to handle especially when you mix the divorce crap in there. I always thought that i was just a breed of my own, but now i realize im a mold of my dad. But for complicated reasons im kept from having a great relationship with him like i used to...its a wonderful sticky situation is it not? My mother and i, covered pretty much everything from A-Z. Including boys--which NEVER happens, that was a miracle conversation right there.

Daniel has SUPERB taste in music. I just love it. He sent me the song "Cannibal Queen" last night. I about died. Pretty sure its my new favorite song. He's like a superhero when it comes to music. He knows it too:)

I just decided that today is a great day! Regardless of how it started out. I feel so good!! That movie really got me pumped for life. Strange how that worked out. Im feeling the love today. For myself, for others. Its amazing!

Thats all i have for you...

K bye.

McKenzie

My Kind of Morning

I woke up earlier than normal today. Eight a.m. came as quite a shock. When your body has regularly accustomed itself to it's no-earlier-than-eleven-rule....you would be shocked too. I slept in my clothes again. I didn't even bother to change into my PJ's. I fell back into old habits....by this i mean, staying up late watching my favorite TV shows. Last night, it  just so happened to be Elementary. Another Sherlock Holmes rip off that i SO enjoy. And that was followed by a strange calculative dream, which i no longer remember...so don't ask.

Its strange waking up at my Mom's house, especially in my younger sister's old bedroom. Its an office now. Milazzo, (the boy in the basement, AKA: an RM, AKA: my mother's way of replacing my brother until he gets back from his mission in February....) shoved a bed in the corner so i have a bed while i stay here. My mom put my old full-sized sheets on the twin mattress and tucked the excess underneath. These sheets lasted a week before i nearly strangled myself in them and kicked them onto the floor. I now sleep on a bare mattress. Its fine, i just try not to think about germs and whatnot and how old the mattress is....or how many people have slept on it.

I spend most of my days waiting on people to need things from me, and the other part of it getting anxiety whenever someone DOES need something from me. An endless cycle of "calm down" -- "freak out". Thank goodness there is humor in this world, or im pretty sure i would be mentally insane (or just worse off than i already am...).

If it wasn't for my barely functioning (and vibrating) Honda Civic, I wouldn't be able to spend half of my mundane social life in Provo where most of my friends are. My social life is actually very minuscule compared to my "sit-at-home-alone-life". Im not complaining, im just showing the contrast of schedules. Mine is wide open until February, while the majority of my friends are enjoying finals week (including my mother) --i don't envy them. At times i feel like the mother of the household, except i have nothing to do all day. My mom is living my full-time college student life. Isn't that depressing? Try not to be depressed. Try.

My flamboyant step-father, bounces around running the storage unit facility that we call home. He internets his life away, makes himself strange asian foods, microwaves some hot chocolate for me for breakfast, and does the dishes. I have yet to learn of additional, memorable habits. He is a creature of habit. And to any of you who know him....creature is the right word.

Is it silly/sad if the things i look forward to every day... are selecting an outfit to wear and applying my makeup like Promise Phan does on Youtube?

I am not ashamed to admit that my life is in slothful shambles. Im slowly figuring out how to be a human being and use my body for actual movement and activities. My brain is much more active...or this could be interpreted as "mad". Ill take it. But, i like to think of myself as "too creative for action" It drives people crazy. Including myself. I guess i shouldn't lead you to believe i am completely hopeless and eccentric (i am not eccentric....). I am quite normal....ish. I  laugh a healthy amount--at myself and others. I receive motivation through inspiration, amusement or bribery. Thats about it.

What a wonderful life:)

This post is dedicated to Karlee. Since she wanted me to start writing again.

Until next time,
McKenzie